I’m having a bit of a hard time constructing my personal essay for college applications right now.
Usually, I’m not worried about the nitty-gritty details of my writing. I wouldn’t be trying to reword every single sentence so that it “sounds” the best, nor would I ponder for two hours whether or not to include a single topic that may or may not contribute to the overall meaning of my personal story.
Never had I had so much difficulty writing an essay. Even writing anything, for that matter.
Maybe one of the reasons why I’m having such a hard time is that I’m not being that authentic. Sure, the ideas are original, but I frequently have the feeling that I’ll need to dress up this paragraph or that sentence or provide a better synonym for that word since an admission officer from X school will eventually be reading this.
And that isn’t completely wrong. AOs are supposed to get a sense of who you are, what you value and what you’ve learned throughout your seventeen or eighteen years of experience. The best way to communicate the notion that you’re not a bunch of grades, test scores, stats, ECs, awards and volunteer hours is through that personal essay.
But that isn’t the full story.
I may be too focused on writing for the admissions process. When I write something, I decide if this idea sounds “okay”. Honestly, as absurd as it sounds, I have a fear of what the AOs will think of my ideas and how I convey them. It is true that if they don’t vibe with you that day or they accidentally spit out their coffee onto their screen because they thought one of your ideas is trash, they may not be in the best mood to consider you as a prospective student.
I usually don’t write with much stakes. But now that deadlines are within months, I have to. Except AP Language / Literature FRQs, this process is going to be dragged out. For the first time, my readers will decide if I’m a right “fit” for their college.
This is stressful.
But maybe I’m afraid of being judged. Or afraid of failure.
I should stop caring about what AOs think of my essay. Ironically, that might be conducive to my writing.
I’ve gotten so many writer’s blocks over the past few days, but I’ve noticed that I, not even a single time, had a writer’s block when I didn’t care about who was reading my posts on my blog. When I write naturally, I pound away at the keys, freely letting the ideas flow out from my brain. I don’t even edit what I wrote.
Personal essays naturally take more time, so writing them that way may not be the best strategy to go.
But what if I stopped caring?
I think I would be less stressed, for sure.