I’m closer to You, but I feel like I’m so far away
‘Cause I let my fear, let my fear get in front of my faith
Walk On Water (VBS)
Kids Camp is next week, and yet for some reason, I felt really awkward in today’s rehearsal. I was chilling for the first two rehearsals – I talked a lot more with my fellow team members. But today, there’s obviously something off.
I think it’s because there’s a lot of negative emotions that’s getting in front of my way. These feelings not only get in the way of my social life, but also between me and God. I can’t describe how I was exactly, but I didn’t feel happy despite the energetic dancing we did.
For me, I refrain from exposing any harsh feelings on anyone, especially since I want to become my best self. However, today I realized that I have are a lot of internal obstacles that are impeding my way that repeatedly blocked out many opportunities throughout my high school career.
Today, I wish to expose them and pray to God to help me with these hard biases as well as my emotional health.
An bad, fixed stance that I struggled with is that I wasn’t a good dancer. I joined our camp team last year, and there is a new girl can dance really well. And really well – it seems like dance is one of her hobbies she’s really good at. I appreciate her skill, and I admit she’s really talented.
Interestingly, I felt ashamed of myself. Even worse, this was a baseless and unfounded feeling. Due to SATs and math, I barely spent any time practicing the songs, only occasionally trying to follow along the music videos during my short breaks. For me, it doesn’t make sense to place any expectations on my dancing. What was I to expect with a few minutes of active recall (less than last year, for sure) each week? She’s a professional dancer, I’m not, and that’s okay. I don’t spend much time on it, so it’s not like I lose anything.
Sheesh. I need to lower my expectations.
I’m lucky that I identified that. Upon another inspection, I’ve also stumbled upon another one of my prejudices, which is my reluctance to meet new people, especially newcomers. This isn’t a complete generalization, but surprisingly, I’ve noticed that I hold a personal aversion towards others who are in my shoes from myself a year ago. There’s this one kid that is joining the worship team for the first time and I haven’t talked to him once.
Was I not in the same position last year? When only the leaders greeted me when I came to rehearsal?
And…
Shortly after rehearsal began, my mom texted me this article. I briefly read the first few paragraphs and even before my contemplations, I realized how much I could relate to Dressel.
As I grew up, I exceedingly realized that my ego got in the way of a lot of things. Even though I didn’t want it, I was influenced to have higher and higher expectations for school and even my extracurriculars. I wanted to perform better, and even if I performed my best, something would stand in the way, telling me, “You’re not good enough. Keep working.”
This remark isn’t all bad if you haven’t started yet, but becomes absolutely toxic when it becomes part of your identity. I’ve certainly had my experiences with burning out and becoming so workaholic to the point of cupidity and selfishness. I brood over my failures and don’t celebrate in my well-deserved successes. I don’t see the positive side of anything, no matter how good the outcome may be. Even though I’m working hard, I can’t enjoy what I’m doing, since I’m so absorbed in getting that achievement. And even if I do get an achievement, it can be harrowing to discover my half-hearted acknowledgement and that creepy voice telling me, “Next up.”
Caeleb Dressel dubs this mentality “the critic” as mentioned in an interview. Recently at the Paris Olympics this year, he poured out tears after his failure to secure a gold medal in the 50m free and 100m fly. It’s really heartbreaking to see. But I just wish he could also cherish these moments too, even though they may not be Olympic golds. He’s one of the top swimmers in the world, and just merely competing at the Olympics is a feat that most swimmers in the United States cannot accomplish (I don’t even have Sectional cuts!). We love him; he’s such an inspiration to the millions of fans supporting him. Though it seems trivial, it would be worthwhile for him to see.
This critic explains why I’m become shy and introverted when I’m starting to prepare for a big assessment, and conversely sociable and extroverted after a test (whether I do well or not, I feel refreshed after taking a test). Although my focus during work is good, it kills my mentality when I conflate this working mindset with the other areas in my life. It eventually becomes unhealthy and turns into a nasty, narcissistic, egoistic perception of the world.
I hate the ego. I want to get rid of it.
I never had this problem when I was younger. I’m reminded of Katie Ledecky, who, no doubt, is the most decorated female swimmer of all time. Not only is her speed superhuman, but her gratitude really shows her humility and why everyone loves her. She takes it one race at a time, appreciates her community and effort that has gotten her so far, and always tries to enjoy the moment. Even though she may have some rivals in the water, she still enjoys competing with them, especially since she never thought she could make it this far.
I love how childlike she is both in and out of her pool. Regardless of the times and result (even when Ariarne Titmus claims the 400m Olympic gold), she seems confident and joyful that she’s even there in the first place. When she does break a world-record or claim a gold medal, she doesn’t think about her ambitions for tomorrow or her regrets from yesterday. She’s flattered, absolutely speechless at her interviews, in awe of her work, and forever grateful for the community that has contributed so much to her swimming career. She represents the spirit of swimming, that it isn’t just a sport in which we get the hand wall first; it’s a lifelong journey that shapes and transforms someone into a better person.
And best of all, she’s happy.
Place your pride and your desires aside.
Enjoy the moment.